PREMIER LEAGUE RUN-IN (Who needs what? Who is favourite to win? And can anyone stop Norwich City?)



 ………thanks Billie.


So with only a few games left in the Premier League this season (and mainly because I’m poorly), we thought we’d switch our attention from Pecking Order action (and Lawn Bowls inaction) to the ever-so-exciting fiscally-dependent ‘run-in’.

Technically, all Arsewipe, Shitty and Liverplop have to do is NOT let Spurs, Villa or the Hammers anywhere near them.
As long as Abu Dhabi don’t go to war with themselves, and the beautifully sports-washed denim of the Gulf States continues to shine, normal service will be resumed again and again.

Should any of them actually lose any money, any interest, any interest on that money, or the basic plot, 90+ points could be arbitrarily deducted at any point between now and Saudi 2034.

As this would historically affect any of the teams previously relegated from the Premier League, QPR, Swansea, Barnsley, Blackburn Rovers, Oldham Athletic, AFC MK Wimbledon Dons, Ipshit, and Norwich Canisters would be reinstated.

A new 68 team league would be created. The sponsorship package will see a return of misogynist Yorkie, and a new John Player Special vape.

Because no one likes Evernot, they will be deducted a random 1000 points on August Bank Holiday, appealed to 800 points by school term-time, and then added back on because they were naughty; and then made to play in the Saudi 5th Division, whilst being managed by Joey Barton.

Ex-Evernotian (or 'Al-Evernot' as they will now be called) Gary X Lineker will be hung, drawn & quartered as a sign of respect towards new broadcasters BSkyB, headed by impartially neutral Richard Scudamore.



Should Luton, Forest, Sheffield Tuesday, or Bungley win ALL of their final matches, Wrexham will be promoted to the Premier League with Andrew Scott playing the part of Ryan Reynolds.

A new domestic cup competition will be introduced called the Forest Green Eco-Humiliation Trophy, and shall be played by people that don’t identify as ‘Men’ or ‘Ladies’.

Should at any time Manchester Shitty be found guilty of anything, Lokomotiv Chelski will be instantly relegated to the Bae Systems League, and made to sit on the naughty-step to have a think about what they have done.

Prawn sandwiches will now be replaced with avocado & kimchi wraps.

Bovril.



We hope this clears things up, and we hope that no-one bankrolls anything unsavoury.
Remember:
Catch It. Kill It. Stay Home. Save Lives.

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