As I debated adding ice & lemon to my evening Oramorph cocktail, I zoned-out of Pharmaceutical Heaven for a brief moment, and found myself in the hope-drenched waiting room of Free Will & Autonomy. It was a very busy room. Morrissey sat perched on a bar-stool. He was crooning wistfully “A schoolgirl is denied. She said ‘How quickly will I die If I jump from the top of the parachutes?’......” Glum Britain was gearing-up for a winter of malcontents and unpaid heating bills. A small band of teenagers would be briefly saved by an ‘extra hour’ in bed soon. The rest of the room would be responsible for ensuring that hour happened magically, by methodically at first, then frantically later, checking that the gadgets we rely upon so heavily had changed ‘automatically’ overnight. And once the central heating had been adjusted along with the hot water, and the car dashboard clock had arrogantly refused to stop blinking, the first wave of crepuscular anxiety mellowed, to a deeper,...

  So imagine if you will (if you can?) you’re a member of the Conservative Party. I would normally include ‘Conservative Party Voters’, but due to the fact that we persist in (not) electing our leaders based on an archaic system from 300 years ago, your opinion won’t be registered. At the moment, whilst we wait for the other two who are quite obviously still powdering their noses in the Ladies! (Tory joke), you will have a choice of five candidates to be your newest party head. Fresh in your memory are the Cameron/May/Johnson/Truss/Sunak years. Cameron fell on his EU sword in 2016. All of 8 whole years ago. That's a lot of party leaders! A Cotswolds Blur. As a party member you will need a ‘Them’ who will unite the party. (This means ‘be more like Reform’). But you need a man or a woman or a person who will fight the opposition. This is Labour. It’s always been either Labour or the Whigs. Under the watchful eye of His Royal Highgrove, you may need another ‘Lord’ or ‘Sir’ or aris...

  Ok. So it's not the UEFA Euros from the EU, nor is it the Copa America from the Hard Rock or Bank of America stadiums. Since the 1968 Dwile Flonking inclusion-bid was dismissed by the IOC, I've personally had a love/hate relationship with the global sporting event that promises us Faster, Higher, Stronger. I openly admit, I'll have half an eye on Team GB and Ireland in the Track & Field. I'll also have a keener eye on Lyles, Richardson, Bekele, Duplantis, Bol, Cheptegei, and Mahuchikh as they overcome their own personal adversities, and strive for that pinnacle gold medal. But will anyone watch the other 31 sporting events? Maybe the hockey to see the Aussie that amputated his own finger to compete? Maybe the South Sudanese Bright Stars in the basketball? I won't watch the cycling (and never will) because of the Ineos involvement. I won't watch the beach volleyball because it's terribly boring! And I'd feel like a hypocrite as I did at FIFA 2018, i...

  Belgium beat neighbours Holland 4-3 on October 24th 1954. That year they also drew 4-4 with England at the FIFA World Cup that was held in Switzerland. Switzerland (famous for cuckoo clocks, Nestle' and Nazi gold) are in Group A, and play on Saturday at 2pm against Hungary. The last time Hungary played Switzerland in a major tournament was in 1938. Adolf Hitler was in charge of Germany, Austria and Czechoslovakia in 1938. The Hansen Office of Switzerland won the Nobel Peace Prize for their work with homeless refugees. Adolf Hitler was Time magazine's 'Man of the Year'. And Hungary lost in the final of the World Cup to Italy, Hitler's axis ally.

  None of us can escape the wall-to-wall coverage of kickballing entertainment over the forthcoming few weeks. And as a sports fan, I welcome any distraction from broken electoral systems, political soundbites, adversarial doggerel, and an alarming rise in popularity on the right-wings of our troubled continent. So as the ad execs finalise their positioning of livery, and the chief execs of Atos, Just Eat and Visit Qatar watch the cash roll in, I thought I'd put my lack of money where my large mouth is, and stake an armchair supporter's claim to an 'interest'. Ireland will not be there. Neither (rather surprisingly!) will Israel or Australia. As a kilt-wearing clansman, my heart will be with Scotland. But as sure as a cold Bitburger will taste better than a warm Irn Bru, we all know that Scotland's progress will be over after the first 90 minutes of the competition. Somewhere an English commentator will look upon the tartan fans and utter the immortal cliche': ...

  ………thanks Billie. So with only a few games left in the Premier League this season (and mainly because I’m poorly), we thought we’d switch our attention from Pecking Order action (and Lawn Bowls inaction) to the ever-so-exciting fiscally-dependent ‘run-in’. Technically, all Arsewipe, Shitty and Liverplop have to do is NOT let Spurs, Villa or the Hammers anywhere near them. As long as Abu Dhabi don’t go to war with themselves, and the beautifully sports-washed denim of the Gulf States continues to shine, normal service will be resumed again and again. Should any of them actually lose any money, any interest, any interest on that money, or the basic plot, 90+ points could be arbitrarily deducted at any point between now and Saudi 2034. As this would historically affect any of the teams previously relegated from the Premier League, QPR, Swansea, Barnsley, Blackburn Rovers, Oldham Athletic, AFC MK Wimbledon Dons, Ipshit, and Norwich Canisters would be reinstated. A new 68 team league...